Online dating Pt.II : Dear Men

It's no secret. I participate in online dating....however it has exposed how much doucheiness goes on, that I never expected. Could it be because I'm older, possibly. Could it be because it's becoming a social norm, and the the online dating population has increased because it is no longer taboo? Yeah, maybe....but have you seen some of the shit on these dating sites??!! I'm not going to pretend like women aren't offenders...they'll get their own separate post, which will be slightly different because I don't date women...but I know what they do wrong when it comes to setting up dating profiles.

This post is for the PENISES- because I really think some guys just don't get it- a first impression means everything...and your profile should make a good first impression, so here you go:

• If you are looking for a serious relationship....Keep your shirt on, unless you are doing an activity that doesn't require a shirt (ex. Swimming). Most women with a brain find shirtless bathroom pics, pics of you flexing SHIRTLESS, a pic of you just....shirtless and oiled down while making a sandwich...just, SHIRTLESS...are FUCKING CHEESY! So let's say a woman sent you a shirtless pic saying she's looking for a gentlemen...yeah, exactly. I'm glad you understand. I'm not even going to touch on shirtless & wearing sunglasses with a dirty bathroom mirror.

• Don't post pictures of you feeding your pet from your mouth. I love my spoiled ass dogs, but lets be real...one licks his asshole...a lot. That might turn a few women off.

• Real men don't cuddle with 'kitties', whilst being serious. Posing with your cat Dr. Evil style is cool- shows you love your cat, without looking like the cover of a magazine that would be sitting on Pee Wee Herman's coffee table. So...unless you're a 6 year old who just got their first pet....do not cuddle  wits tha kittays.

• No pic- No date...Why?- Guys who don't post pics are probably in relationships so they don't want anyone in the city they live in that they possibly know, to see them looking for a side piece.... or, they have something to hide...

• Putting " I stack chips" as a profession is immature. You don't have to put exactly what you do if you don't feel comfortable...but at least put the industry you work in. Example: Mine use to say non profit organization....after that it said communications industry. You're not listing your fancy sounding title that may lure a golddigger, but you also show that you are an adult by not saying "If it don't make dollas, it don't make sense".

• Please, put SOMETHING in the about me section. Not any lame ass, lazy ' If you want to know me, just ask." It doesn't have to talk about when you learned to ride a bike, and your first broken heart..but at least type 300 words! Lazy entries tell women 'I'm not even going to waste my time putting effort into meeting someone, and I want you to do all the work'. If you are looking for a desperate woman...that might work. 

• This is a BIG one:  READ HER PROFILE!!! You may feel like it's a waste of time...but personally, when someone starts asking me EVERYTHING that I listed in my about me section- that tells me they are only thinking with their penis...which isn't a problem...kinda. glad I'm attractive...but it can really turn someone off because it feels like you're not interested in getting to know them..you saw a cute picture that made Mr. Johnson get excited....and that's all that matters.

• Messages like 'Hey Sexy, we should get to know each other a little better' are equivalent to an old man pinching your ass in the grocery line, and telling you how he'd love to roll around in the hay with a black woman before he dies...*flashback* sorry...(o_O)

• Your tough guy/gangster/too cool for school poses do not go unnoticed. We laugh at them.

• If a woman doesn't message you back within 24 hours, when she was online for an hour when you sent the message...she's probably not interested. So don't continue to send messages saying the EXACT same thing in hopes of the other messages just not getting transmitted. Some women aren't bold enough to just say I'm not interested out of fear of how some guys react to rejection. Sure, it's online...why be so shy you say? It is what it is. A good way to fix this is send a 'flirt' or a 'wink' or whatever button your particular dating site provides to "test the waters".

• If your username is 'KillerCreamPie'....um....yeah. Only whores will be interested.

Now, I do not speak for all women who participate in online dating. I can't possibly talk to every woman with a profile...but, there are plenty of women out there who agree. I know these seem like things that don't matter..but they do.

And ladies.....don't get too comfy. You have your own list too....Get ready for part three. Being a fellow WOMAN, there are a few things we need to discuss. *Sits down, folds hands in lap*

The BUM Identity

Just for the sake of his own privacy, We will call him Seymore Butts. Because he’s a fucking buttface for lying about something so dumb.

So, I met this guy April 2011. I’ve only seen twice up to this point, but we have been in contact with each other every day since then.We have both even talked about being an item, but due to certain circumstance ( 1 being I moved to another state to continue my education and he now lives in another state for work purposes) it just isn’t possible.

I began to get suspicious when we were talking about tattoos, and I couldn’t remember how many he said he had. He told me, I remembered…then he mentioned one on his stomach which I didn’ t remember. I asked him what it said, he said ‘Makaveli’ as in the Tupac album…not the real Niccolo Machiavelli.I just thought ‘ Ok, he really loves Tupac’ . …but it was still weird. But then,after talking to him about some family issues…I realized I didn’t really know that much about him as I thought. He hardly talked about his siblings..to the point were I think he has never told me their names. Then,I just feel like I’m still in the dark about some other stuff. So, with all this mystery + the ‘Makaveli’ Tat, I thought…maybe he’s just trying to escape something…maybe he had a dark period and wants to start with a clean slate…he still doesn’t really KNOW me since we haven’t spent time together and doesn’t feel comfortable telling me.

Blah blah blah…countdown to yesterday.I was doing a reverse phone lookup to indentify some unidentified cell phone calls I received. Something told me- do a reverse look up on his email address. I found it weird that only his first name was displayed on his personal email….never thought of it before, but now it bothered me.I type it in one of those people search sites and BAM! Seymore Butts was now all of a sudden named Seymore Ass. Same first name…completely different last name.Looked up his old address,.. BAM previous tenant- Seymore Ass…NOT BUTTS!!!

7/30/2012 – I receive the usual Good Morning message from Seymore, and he asked me how I slept. Told him I slept great outside to the weird dream I ‘had’. I lied, I cant even remember my dream. Anyway, I told him I had a weird dream that everyone was lying to me about who they are. The environment I was living in wasn’t familiar and someone I thought I was close to, lied to me about their name and where they were from and everything about them. That was at 8am. Normally he calls me during lunch or texts me….I haven’t heard back yet. I guess my fake ‘dream’ has him scurred. Lying ass coward. He was probably a fucking serial killer anyway.

Becoming Reattached

My entire life, my relationship with my parents has affected not only my romantic relationships, but also my friendships. I’m that friend that always gets an invite, and never attends. I’m the girlfriend that thinks its OK to for a man or myself to hang out all night with friends and come home in the wee hours of the morning.

I have allowed myself to be in a relationship with someone that had no interest in putting the same amount of energy into the relationship. I realized this stemmed from ME always trying to initiate a traditional relationship with my parents and not accepting the fact that, that will never be, because they both are so narcissistic…they don’t see the error in their behaviors.

It took me a while to realize it, but I finally woke up. I know what I want, the type of man I want to be with…. what I want us to be able to achieve together and being able to communicate without being hurtful when we have disagreements. While it sucks I can’t have a traditional relationship with my Mother, I have my aunt who has no children…but has been the best mother to me. I had my grandfather to show me what a real man is and my grandparent’s relationship as a model of what a marriage should be.

I know these other people will never take place of my parents, but I am fulfilled. My relationship with my parents is more toxic than it is helpful, and now that I realize that, accept it and I am fulfilled- I am happier.

I don’t feel like I HAVE to be with someone to fill a void or to have a companion. I just need to reestablish friendships I have let fall by the wayside because I stop putting effort into being a good friend. I was never a bad friend…but I just never wanted to be bothered.

I now know what I will and will not accept in a relationship. I know that I want someone who will help me be better, and not someone that will tear me down with words because they want me to be something I am not.

Most importantly, I am now focused on bettering myself so I can be in a healthy relationship, and have something more to offer than just an attractive face and a funny joke. I’m more aware of who I am, and what I want.

I am finally in a good place with myself, so the next step is just living.

Expect The Unexpected

I never thought I would be saying this- at least anytime soon....But I'm in love, I'm in love and I don't care who knows it!!!! ::In my Buddy The Elf Voice::

It takes so much for me to actually SAY THE WORD- But I have never felt like this about anyone after only knowing them for 6 months. I swear, it's like the mental checklist materialized into him! From the way he looks, his voice, his goals and values- I couldn't ask for more. The only minus is he is religious, I am not. But he understands my standpoint on religion, and doesn't hold it against me..." That will just be something we wont discuss- but that doesn't make me feel any different towards you"- His words. I know he is right for me, and I have always felt that he may be the one from the first time we met. But,  last night...I knew I was right- " You're going to be my wife & the mother of my children...just so you're aware"

I found the yin to my yang.