Friday, January 20, 2012

Becoming Reattached

My entire life, my relationship with my parents has affected not only my romantic relationships, but also my friendships. I’m that friend that always gets an invite, and never attends. I’m the girlfriend that thinks its OK to for a man or myself to hang out all night with friends and come home in the wee hours of the morning.

I have allowed myself to be in a relationship with someone that had no interest in putting the same amount of energy into the relationship. I realized this stemmed from ME always trying to initiate a traditional relationship with my parents and not accepting the fact that, that will never be, because they both are so narcissistic…they don’t see the error in their behaviors.

It took me a while to realize it, but I finally woke up. I know what I want, the type of man I want to be with…. what I want us to be able to achieve together and being able to communicate without being hurtful when we have disagreements. While it sucks I can’t have a traditional relationship with my Mother, I have my aunt who has no children…but has been the best mother to me. I had my grandfather to show me what a real man is and my grandparent’s relationship as a model of what a marriage should be.

I know these other people will never take place of my parents, but I am fulfilled. My relationship with my parents is more toxic than it is helpful, and now that I realize that, accept it and I am fulfilled- I am happier.

I don’t feel like I HAVE to be with someone to fill a void or to have a companion. I just need to reestablish friendships I have let fall by the wayside because I stop putting effort into being a good friend. I was never a bad friend…but I just never wanted to be bothered.

I now know what I will and will not accept in a relationship. I know that I want someone who will help me be better, and not someone that will tear me down with words because they want me to be something I am not.

Most importantly, I am now focused on bettering myself so I can be in a healthy relationship, and have something more to offer than just an attractive face and a funny joke. I’m more aware of who I am, and what I want.

I am finally in a good place with myself, so the next step is just living.

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