Me- Part Deux

Ok, so I left off at leaving for the summer to visit my family in california.  To make a long story short- came back from summer vacation to find my mother engaged, we were moving to germany and she was pregnant again. I became a pre-teen who ran away a few times before being shipped off to my aunt, instead of therapy...blah blah blah.

I've decided I don't want to go through the whole story. I realize talking about your past and venting about how upset you are about it does help, but I can't bring myself to talk about it, on this platform.
What I will tell you is I would never EVER treat my daughter the way my mother has treated me and my middle sister. I will never have a relationship with my mother ( and please don't give me the one day...it's still your mom...and all that jazz). Yes, I'm serious, I don't desire a relationship with my mother. I wish I had a mother/daughter relationship- but not with her.  Harsh? Maybe. Cold? Possibly..but it's how I feel and it's how I've felt for the last 3 years. Some people are toxic, and it doesn't matter who they are....they aren't good for your well being.

So with that...I bid you adieu, and have yourself a wonderful weekend =)

Spiritual Makeover

Many people who know me, know that I'm not a huge fan of organized religion. I believe many holy books are a great guide to life, but now we live in a day & age where many things don't really apply anymore ( like burying your poop......) However, the spiritual/ inspirational aspect is something I agree with, but I would be contradicting myself if I decided to visit a church seeing as how I don't feel I would be a faithful follower...seeing as how I don't believe in most of the stuff that's in many of the holy books.

I believe everyone needs nourishment for the soul, whether it be religious or philosophical ( Taoism, Buddhism, Kabbalah, etc.) I just haven't zoned in on what is best for me. I can honestly say that I do feel that I need something to make me feel complete spiritually...since everything is going according to planned...for once! lol.

Alone with my thoughts.......

Some days I just want to lie in bed, go over my life over & over and see where I could have done things differently as an adult. If I didn’t have any obstacles to overcome, I wouldn’t be who I am… However, at what point do obstacles go away. When will I find happiness? When will I have a career? When will things get easier?

The only thing in my life that makes me happy is having unconditional love from my daughter, and just looking at this AMAZING little girl, and feeling proud I had this wonderful, smart, caring, strong willed, and wise child. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have any clue on what it feels like to be wanted & loved.

I really feel like I have been dealt a bad hand most days. I’m a good person, I have a strong work ethic, and I have worked my ass off, just to have to take three steps back multiple times in this production called life. It gets very discouraging sometimes. I don’t know how many times I’ve just wanted to throw my hands up and say “Fuck this?! Why try?!” but I have someone relying on me to be strong, and her life and future depends on me….and that makes it even harder. Who do I have to lean on? Who can I rely on? 

Hopefully, I will soon find out. This waiting game is getting old.