Thursday, August 2, 2012

Online dating Pt.II : Dear Men

It's no secret. I participate in online dating....however it has exposed how much doucheiness goes on, that I never expected. Could it be because I'm older, possibly. Could it be because it's becoming a social norm, and the the online dating population has increased because it is no longer taboo? Yeah, maybe....but have you seen some of the shit on these dating sites??!! I'm not going to pretend like women aren't offenders...they'll get their own separate post, which will be slightly different because I don't date women...but I know what they do wrong when it comes to setting up dating profiles.

This post is for the PENISES- because I really think some guys just don't get it- a first impression means everything...and your profile should make a good first impression, so here you go:

  • If you are looking for a serious relationship....Keep your shirt on, unless you are doing an activity that doesn't require a shirt (ex. Swimming). Most women with a brain find shirtless bathroom pics, pics of you flexing SHIRTLESS, a pic of you just....shirtless and oiled down while making a sandwich...just, SHIRTLESS...are FUCKING CHEESY! So let's say a woman sent you a shirtless pic saying she's looking for a gentlemen...yeah, exactly. I'm glad you understand. I'm not even going to touch on shirtless & wearing sunglasses with a dirty bathroom mirror.
  • Don't post pictures of you feeding your pet from your mouth. I love my spoiled ass dogs, but lets be licks his asshole...a lot. That might turn a few women off.
  • Real men don't cuddle with 'kitties', whilst being serious. Posing with your cat Dr. Evil style is cool- shows you love your cat, without looking like the cover of a magazine that would be sitting on Pee Wee Herman's coffee table. So...unless you're a 6 year old who just got their first not cuddle  wits tha kittays.
  • No pic- No date...Why?- Guys who don't post pics are probably in relationships so they don't want anyone in the city they live in that they possibly know, to see them looking for a side piece.... or, they have something to hide...
  • Putting " I stack chips" as a profession is immature. You don't have to put exactly what you do if you don't feel comfortable...but at least put the industry you work in. Example: Mine use to say non profit organization....after that it said communications industry. You're not listing your fancy sounding title that may lure a golddigger, but you also show that you are an adult by not saying "If it don't make dollas, it don't make sense".
  • Please, put SOMETHING in the about me section. Not any lame ass, lazy ' If you want to know me, just ask." It doesn't have to talk about when you learned to ride a bike, and your first broken heart..but at least type 300 words! Lazy entries tell women 'I'm not even going to waste my time putting effort into meeting someone, and I want you to do all the work'. If you are looking for a desperate woman...that might work. 
  • This is a BIG one:  READ HER PROFILE!!! You may feel like it's a waste of time...but personally, when someone starts asking me EVERYTHING that I listed in my about me section- that tells me they are only thinking with their penis...which isn't a problem...kinda. glad I'm attractive...but it can really turn someone off because it feels like you're not interested in getting to know saw a cute picture that made Mr. Johnson get excited....and that's all that matters.
  • Messages like 'Hey Sexy, we should get to know each other a little better' are equivalent to an old man pinching your ass in the grocery line, and telling you how he'd love to roll around in the hay with a black woman before he dies...*flashback* sorry...(o_O)
  • Your tough guy/gangster/too cool for school poses do not go unnoticed. We laugh at them.
  • If a woman doesn't message you back within 24 hours, when she was online for an hour when you sent the message...she's probably not interested. So don't continue to send messages saying the EXACT same thing in hopes of the other messages just not getting transmitted. Some women aren't bold enough to just say I'm not interested out of fear of how some guys react to rejection. Sure, it's online...why be so shy you say? It is what it is. A good way to fix this is send a 'flirt' or a 'wink' or whatever button your particular dating site provides to "test the waters".
  • If your username is 'KillerCreamPie' Only whores will be interested.

Now, I do not speak for all women who participate in online dating. I can't possibly talk to every woman with a profile...but, there are plenty of women out there who agree. I know these seem like things that don't matter..but they do.

And ladies.....don't get too comfy. You have your own list too....Get ready for part three. Being a fellow WOMAN, there are a few things we need to discuss. *Sits down, folds hands in lap*


  1. Ok... You're as sassy as your Grandma. This was great, and while funny, very true. I totally agree with you 100% on this. Especially and man that puts no, effort into his profile. If a guy is to lazy to create a genuine "about me" section that's a good indicator that he's probably just looking for someone to "smash." The effort he put into his profile is about the same as what he will put into getting to know someone. Lazy men...BOO!!!

    1. It's so irritating. Especially, when you feel like you have wasted your time. I don't want to go back and forth for hours or days, responding to messages when all you had to do was write a little something in your profile, so I could read it over and figure out if I'm interested.